Lost and Found!

I have to admit that last friday was devastating, to me, it was failure.. like a total failure. I remember telling myself that i would give my all for this semester, and in the end, when the results doesn't quite match up with the amount of effort i put in, i started to doubt my own ability. WHY???? Could it have been a BIG humongous mistake right from the start? I felt really lost then, like what else have i not done? I went to prep camp with a seriously heavy-heart, i refused to answer phone calls or reply to messages, although i know that there were many who cared. My whole mind was just filled with anguish and bitterness, why did God neglect me? Am not worthy of His promises? Anyway, I seriously cried buckets the whole afternoon, and quite ironically i was boiling potato soup for my family's dinner that day. I think the soup probably tasted extremely salty, but nonetheless it turn out quite good in the end.

Perhaps, it was God's plan that on Friday the people whom im suppose to meet up with were late and i stole some time off at the adoration room. I really didnt expect to receive any source of comfort just being in the adoration room, but God proved me wrong. He showed me to this passage in Sirach which said that there'll be times where we'll be put to the test, and this was part of the purification process. At that time, I thought to myself, like havent i proved after what happened last year that despite all odds I would still serve Him. Then I was led to this passage which spoke about how God never fails to listen to the prayers of people but He asks for patience and humility. At that time i was like, ok, this seems kind of relevant to my situation but still i wasnt quite convinced. I decided to put a stake on myself, if you really want to prove to me your existence, then tell me where shall i move on from here. Tell me if i should stay or move on to somewhere else. After that, I walked out of the Adoration room and went about doing some stuff.

So day 1 of prep camp came and left, and I still didnt get my answer. On the night of day 2, was the pentecostal rally. Being sceptical, i thought to myself, this would probably be one of those impersonal rallies which would have no impact on me at all. But then as the rally unfurled, I felt my eyes well up with tears for no apparent reason. But at that time, there seem to be some voice in my heart that says that I had to choose between God's will and my own, otherwise it will be very tiring. Ok, that wasn't the kind of answer i would expect, i thought it would have been like more specific but hey, it's kind of open-ended, like He's throwing the question back at me. But i knew i was kind of tired trying to pursue my own kind of ideals, and so in the end, my decision was to just choose His will instead.

Although until today, i still cannot fathom what His will was, I guess, no answer seems to be an answer. I interpreted it as maintaining a status quo. Haha.. i don't know, i might be wrong..