After reading joy's email about discerning, i feel let's see, how do i describe this feeling, its a blend of confusion, anxiety, worry, but at the same time a little excited. Let me explain why i have these feelings.

Worry: Basically is what i have always been battling, juggling studies and work. I dont know if i had discerned right in the first place, to be in the exco, i only know that since i have left amplify in the name of rescuing TC, i ought to make that sacrifice worth it by doing something more. Now, my worry is that, what if i discerned wrongly, and at the end of the day, things go awry and i dont succeed in studies and church at the same time. If i become the pres or vp and have to attend YPC meetings, does that mean i can no longer go back to sch on sundays to study. Yws, and im sad to say, i am scared of handling some problematic people in TC, i shant name names, but yeah, there are people who make me cringe at the thought or sight of them.

Anxiety: Yes, if im going to be in some leadership position once again, i know that i will face the same kind of stress i had, about whether would there be people turing up for cell each week. I know im a chicken or coward, not to be able to face up such a reality but i guess no one could really understand that feeling of preparing so much and at the end, only 1 or 2 people turn up, or worst if none came and left u standing all alone, feeling so lost, discouraged. I'm not sure if that's what i want really, in a relationship with God. I always thought serving God will be something enjoyable, so when i'm feeling burdened over it, does that mean im not cut out to be one? or im not doing something that i should? Should i give myself or TC a deadline, such that i do things well and nice, and then move on with another stage of my life? I really love singing... i wonder when would the time come when i can really serve God by singing in the choir.

Confusion: Confused about what to do next, im not like joy who eats, drinks and sleep about TC, i am a person totally without a vision for TC. I realised i stopped having visions for TC since i dont know when, how am i going to lead them if i really be in the leadership position. Can I really keep the rest of the members? Does it mean that the seniors who are no llonger in the Exco wont come back to TC anymore? We've lost so many people alrdy, mel, su, big joe, jul, yvonne, kevin, and the list goes on. im scared, im afraid that i wont have the ability to keep the rest of them in.

And i guess amidst all those negative feelings, i have one positive feeling. That the young ones are stepping up. And yes, it is them who made me want to serve in Exco, at least i feel that my role there is to help them to be excited about ministry work, although i can say that i have that for myself. Well, maybe i used to, at that tender and naive age,.. haha.. Well, why does my post seem to be that im more unwilling than willing to take up the exco position? And any person who come across this blog entry will be like, who is this real idioit, since you are so reluctant why still go for it then? I cant answer this myself.