A surge of melancholy came over me. I realised that i know nothing. My knowledge of everything, science, math, the world, Christianity everything is so limited. Suddenly, i've lost all confidence. My mere existence in this world seemed to be worth nothing. Maybe i'm feeling very insecure right now. The fact that i have so little control over my life seemed worrying. There is so little things i can do to change situations. I couldn't get more people to come for PnW, couldnt make the session any better, couldnt do better for results etc. Everything seems so uncertain. I cant seem to be ready or be prepared for any situations that may come along the way. All these while, i force myself to be pessimistic, so that i can "prepare" myself for the unexpected. I cant appear to be confident because im afraid that i might forget what it feels like to fail. I cant live out of my comfort zone!!! My comfort zone is everything within my expectations and control. I'm sorry that i have to sound like this but this is the real me. The real Joan!! And down, this seems too much for me to bear to everything seemed unpredictable and uncontrollable. I may sound like a control freak but no, i jus want to feel ready for everything.