cell yesterday was uber great i would say, this time it was facilitate by my spirituality co-head, joshua. We were suppose to act like secondary three kids in preparation for the 15 odd new kids who will be joining us for cell soon. Apparently, we failed.. haha.. none of us could resist the temptation of speaking like 21, 22 and 23 year olds eventually because we've got too much to say. I really miss those days where we had endless social issues to talk about during cell, in relation to our own personal experiences.

Anyway, yesterday, Joshua brought up this important point about letting go of things that you really wished and want. I think this kind of speak straight to me, in relation to my studies. Since the day i got back my a level results, i always thought i should be doing something physics or math related (becos the results reflected so and i flunk my gp so i didnt really have much of a choice). And so i decided to work hard in this direction, thinking that this is probably what God led me to. But then reality hits back at me as i realised how unsuitable or inadequate i would say to be a good engineer. I never could think the way my peers or my bro did, i suck at computing or some other software related module. If i ever become an engineer, i dont think i will survive for long, cos my structures will fail, my control system will be uncontrollable, my aircon will breakdown, my engine wouldnt work... i just dont think im good enough for the job. The only thing i could do is to write, yet the irony is i am where i am now because i thought i couldnt write.

And i realised how unhappy or stressed i have been since the day i stepped into the course. Yet despite all these, i told myself to continue working hard and maybe i will see some light at the end of the tunnel. But then i realised, the more i desire to do well, the worst things become, everything starts falling apart. And i question myself, if i have made the right decision in the first place, and till today i still dont know whether this was the right decision. But as i was reflecting, i start to think that perhaps at the end of the day, it is not about the qualification that i am here for, perhaps this was a necessary stage that i had to go through to make me a stronger better person (although i know even this wasnt achieved either). Perhaps this is all part of God's bigger plan, that i had to go through this stepping stone to get to where He wants me to be.

Maybe its time that i should just let go of trying so hard to be somebody that i know i can never be - an engineer. Dont get me wrong if you think im going stop working hard for my exams at this very junction, no, i will still continue to work hard for my last paper, and the next few semester, but perhaps with a different aim, a different goal. Maybe its time for me to pursue my first love, i mean my first interest, of which i totally forgotten about. I think i might have told my sec sch friends about my interest before, but i have not taken a serious consideration about it since sec 4. maybe its time i dig out this long forgotten interest and start pursuing it.

Anyway, i just want to thank my spirituality co-head for showing me the message. Its quite amazing to see a 16 year old having such maturity of faith. I think i can safely leave the work as spirituality head to him.. haha.. im jus kidding.